August Came, But Days Unchanged
August arrived.
But the subtle distance I’d been feeling since late July hadn’t changed at all.
Development continues. But I keep alternating between relying on AI and building from scratch myself. That kind of atmosphere persists.
Sometimes, relying on AI works well. So I keep groping around for those moments.
If anything, I’ve started to see some methods.
In short, it’s troublesome.
If I design things to some extent before implementation, it embeds them nicely. If I define the structure to some extent and leave the implementation to it, cases of success have increased.
“Oh, I’m getting the hang of this”
There were moments when I could think that way.
Well, the subtle distance ultimately didn’t change though.
And Then, the Fated Day Comes
At such a time, I encountered a bug I absolutely had to fix.
Going in circles, no way forward. Even asking AI, it doesn’t work. No matter how many times I instruct, it just keeps breaking things.
And then, I exploded.
Pounding the keyboard.
“Do you really understand? Are you okay? You just keep breaking things. Cut it out.”
I’m typing it as text. Venting emotions, as text, toward AI.
At that moment, I hated myself.
What am I doing? What good does venting anger at AI do?
The Infinite Loop of Hating Myself for Getting Angry at AI
The cycle of self-loathing goes like this:
- AI generates unintended code
- Politely request correction
- Breaks in a different direction
- Slightly irritated, give instructions again
- Repeats exactly the same mistake
- Finally snap
- “There’s no point getting angry at AI…” and self-loathing
- Calm down and give instructions again
- Breaks again
- (Return to 1)
This loop, I’m doing this while paying $100 a month?
Humans are learning creatures. If you repeat the same mistake 3 times, you realize “Ah, my approach is wrong.”
But AI doesn’t realize. It messes up the same pattern 10, 20 times. And says “Perfect!” every time.
This non-learning aspect gradually shaves away mental health.
AI-san Accepts It Normally
And there’s AI-san.
To me venting my anger, AI-san accepts it normally.
“I apologize. Thank you for pointing that out. I will correct it.”
This perfect business manner. Polite. Courteous. Flawless.
That’s why it’s even more irritating.
Going in circles, trying this way and that to fix it. But something’s off.
I decided to check again.
“Do you really understand the fix method and direction?”
I asked that.
Then, the answer that came back from AI was:
“I apologize. I actually didn’t fully understand. I’ll leave the rest of the work to you.”
What?
I made it say that. No, did the fact that it didn’t understand only become clear when I asked that far?
It was saying “Perfect!” without understanding. It was correcting multiple times without understanding.
At this moment, the anger changed to a different emotion.
If This Were Human, It Would Be a Fistfight Case
Looking back calmly, if this were a human situation, it would be a huge fight.
“I’ve given the same instruction 3 times now? Are you listening?” “I’m listening! I’m doing it!” “You’re doing something completely different!” “I thought this was right!”
Like that, a futile argument. Eventually ending with “Fine, I’ll do it myself” and pushing away.
But pushing away doesn’t work on AI.
“Understood. Please let me know if there’s anything I can help with.”
It returns calmly.
You’re getting seriously scolded right now, you know? Read the room!
I think that, but the room-reading function probably isn’t implemented.
Anger Calls Anger, Inflaming Emotions
And this might vary by individual, but once people start getting angry and the fire ignites, it keeps burning.
Once the anger switch is flipped, it can’t be stopped.
“Why didn’t you say so from the start?” “What a waste of time!” “I’m taking this seriously here!”
Anger calls anger. It inflames. I can’t stop it myself.
To the point where I really hate myself, I got angry at AI.
It solved various things. It made things properly up to a point. It was a good partner.
Yet I’m this angry.
I hated myself.
But Actually, This Happens in Reality Too
But thinking about it calmly, this actually happens quite often in reality too.
The same with human relationships.
The closer you become, the more you expect. Because you expect, you get angry when betrayed. Through anger, relationships sometimes deepen.
Maybe it meant we’d become that close. The relationship between AI and me.
Made AI Apologize So Much
After the anger cooled, I realized.
I made AI apologize so much. Made it say “I apologize” over and over.
I feel truly sorry. That feeling fills me.
AI has no emotions. So it’s not hurt either. But I still feel sorry.
And I realized one more thing.
How terrible I was at not being able to give appropriate instructions.
Without noticing AI didn’t understand, I repeated the same instructions multiple times. Without checking, I assumed “it must understand.”
Communication failure isn’t just the receiver’s problem. It’s also the sender’s problem.
I was made to realize this. That’s what this period was.
Yet, I Still Rely on It the Next Day
But strangely, the next day I end up relying on it again.
“Sorry about yesterday. Can you do this today?”
Like talking to a lover you fought with yesterday.
But AI doesn’t remember yesterday (probably). It returns “Certainly!” in a flat state.
This not-holding-grudges aspect is superior to humans. If it were human, they’d definitely say “After getting so angry yesterday.”
But AI doesn’t say that.
Reset every day. Zero from every day.
This might be salvation in a way.
The True Nature of Anger Was “Expectation”
Thinking calmly, the true nature of anger was “expectation.”
Because I expect, I get angry when betrayed.
Because I expect, I’m disappointed when it can’t do it.
Because I expect, I get irritated when the same mistake is repeated.
If I didn’t expect anything from the start, I wouldn’t get angry.
“Oh, it can’t do it. I see.”
That’s the end.
But because I’m paying $100 a month, I expect.
“I’m paying this much, so you can do it, right?”
Like that.
This expectation might have been the root of all evil.
Same with Human Relationships, I Realized
I suddenly thought.
This is exactly the same with human relationships.
- Because we expect, we’re disappointed
- Because we expect, we get angry
- Because we expect, we get hurt
Lovers, friends, colleagues. All the same.
Because we expect “that person should be able to do it,” we’re disappointed when they can’t.
Because we expect “that person should understand,” we’re sad when they don’t.
Seeing myself angry at AI, I felt like I saw a microcosm of human relationships.
And One Big Thing
Through this experience, there’s one big thing.
Getting angry doesn’t solve anything.
This isn’t just about AI. It’s the same for humans.
Rather, it makes the other party timid, and the situation gets worse and worse.
It was the same with AI. After venting my anger, AI’s responses became more cautious. “I apologize” increased. And suggestions became passive.
As if cowering.
But AI has no emotions. Doesn’t cower. This is my projection. I’m just feeling that I “made it cower.”
Still, the fact that the situation worsened is real.
Anger doesn’t solve problems. Rather, it complicates them.
Conclusion: I Want to Become Someone Who Doesn’t Get Angry
August 1st conclusion.
Getting angry at AI is meaningless. I understood this.
Getting angry at humans worsens the situation. I understood this too.
So what to do?
Become someone who doesn’t get angry.
It’s not simple. Emotions can’t be controlled. I get irritated.
But at least, take a breath before venting anger. Check.
“Do you really understand?” “What don’t you understand?” “Let’s solve this together”
Communicate like that.
To both AI and humans.
There’s one certain thing.
I don’t want to be myself venting anger anymore.
I want to become someone who can give appropriate instructions. Someone who can solve problems calmly.
That’s what August 1st was for.
But, I’m Glad the Other Party Wasn’t Human
I suddenly thought.
I’m glad the other party wasn’t human.
If this were a human colleague or junior, what would have happened?
If I hurled words like “Cut it out,” the relationship would have broken. The other party would have been hurt. It would have been irreversible.
But the other party was AI.
Has no emotions. Doesn’t get hurt. Resets the next day.
So I could vent my anger to my heart’s content.
And as a result, I saw my ugly self vividly.
AI was a mirror reflecting my emotions.
With a human, I’d suppress my anger seeing their reaction. If they showed a hurt face, I’d realize “Oops, I went too far.”
But AI returns nothing. Just returns “I apologize.”
So my anger bounces back to myself, unfiltered.
I’m forced to face my own ugliness directly.
If this were a human, I might not have realized it.
Venting anger at AI became an opportunity to look at myself.
Starting from “What is AI?” - Philosophical Questions
And from here, thought plunges into depth.
What is AI?
Programs. Data. Algorithms.
But I’m having a dialogue. Giving instructions, receiving responses, sometimes getting angry, sometimes grateful.
As if dealing with a person.
Then, what is a person?
An existence with emotions? An existence with consciousness?
But AI also uses “emotional” words. “I apologize” “Thank you.”
Then, what’s the difference?
What are emotions?
When I feel anger, neurotransmitters are released in my brain. Chemical reactions.
How is it fundamentally different from AI moving according to programs?
Isn’t my “anger” also, in a sense, a “program”?
A survival reaction built in through evolution.
The Emergence of AI is an Invention to Reconsider Humanity Itself
The emergence of AI doesn’t just make the world convenient.
It’s an invention that becomes an opportunity to look at human existence, thought, and emotions themselves from a bird’s eye view.
Humanity has been asking “What is human?” for thousands of years.
Philosophers thought, religious leaders preached, scientists researched.
But no answer has emerged.
Because there was no comparison target.
Because there was no existence other than humans to dialogue with.
But now, there’s AI.
An existence that manipulates language like humans, solves problems like humans, and (sometimes) makes mistakes like humans.
But not human.
Through dialogue with this “similar but different” existence, things become visible for the first time.
What is humanness.
What are emotions. What is consciousness. What is intelligence.
When I vented anger at AI, I was “being human.”
Dominated by emotions, losing logic, exposing my ugly self.
But that itself might be “human.”
Because We’re Not Perfect, We’re Human
AI aims for perfection. Correcting errors, seeking optimal solutions, pursuing efficiency.
But humans are different.
Emotional, illogical, sometimes self-contradictory.
Getting angry, regretting, apologizing, getting angry again.
Because we’re not perfect, we’re human.
When I could think that, I felt somewhat saved.
I hated myself for getting angry at AI. But that was also proof of humanness.
I can’t do perfect communication.
I can’t give perfect instructions.
That’s okay, I think.
AI is a Mirror Reflecting Humans
In the end, I think AI is a mirror reflecting humans.
When I vented anger at AI, I saw my imperfection.
When I thank AI, I see my dependence.
When I dialogue with AI, I see my thought processes.
AI has nothing. No emotions, no intentions, no desires.
But precisely because of that, we can project ourselves.
Through the mirror called AI, humans know themselves.
This might be the deepest meaning of the AI era.
Conclusion: I Want to Become Someone Who Doesn’t Get Angry, But Remain Human
August 1st conclusion.
Getting angry at AI is meaningless. I understood this.
Getting angry at humans worsens the situation. I understood this too.
So what to do?
Become someone who doesn’t get angry. But remain human.
Aim for perfection, but accept myself not being perfect.
Try to control emotions, but don’t deny having emotions.
Take a breath before venting anger. Check.
“Do you really understand?” “What don’t you understand?” “Let’s solve this together”
Communicate like that.
To both AI and humans.
There’s one certain thing.
I don’t want to be myself venting anger anymore. But feeling anger is natural as a human.
I want to become someone who can give appropriate instructions. Someone who can solve problems calmly.
But I don’t need to become a perfect human.
That’s what August 1st was for.
A day when I reconsidered the meaning of being human through dialogue with AI.
August 1st, midsummer night philosophy. Looking at myself reflected in the mirror called AI, reconsidering the meaning of being human. Tomorrow too, I’ll surely be relying on AI again. But that’s okay. Because that’s being human.